Grieving after a death? Deacon shows ‘The Way’ forward during holidays

It can be hard to find joy and hope during Advent and Christmas while immersed in the sadness and pain that follows the death of a loved one.

To help those grieving, Deacon Jim Tardy suggests something that might seem counterintuitive: embracing a devotion most often practiced during Lent and Holy Week, the Stations of the Cross.

Deacon Tardy, outreach manager for Catholic Cemeteries and a grief counselor, encourages people to ponder the Stations now and throughout the year. He leads workshops based on the devotion after discovering for himself how the Stations can help people heal.

His wife, Virginia, died 12 years ago, changing the course of his life.

“My whole ministry is, in a very odd way, a gift from Virginia,” said Deacon Tardy, who also serves at St. Cecilia Parish in Omaha. “I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing today if Virginia were still with us. My life has changed 180 degrees, of course, and I’ve learned to accept that and live with that, and live fully with that.

“It’s a choice you make,” the deacon said. “Virginia’s very much a part of what I do today. And I honor her in that.”

Deacon Jim Tardy COURTESY PHOTO

Grieving the loss of loved ones is inevitable for most people. “But nobody ever teaches us how to do it,” he said, “and there’s no one way to learn how to do this. That’s why I use the Stations of the Cross, because they’re always moving forward. They’re always moving forward to the Resurrection.”

Every Station has a lesson to offer, including the ninth one, “Jesus falls a third time.”

“This is our life,” Deacon Tardy said. People fall, but they have a choice: “Do we get up and go forward or not? This is our choice in our grief.”

“Mary understood this well,” he said. “She had to bury Joseph. She had to bury her parents. She had to bury her Son. But her life was not complete. She had to go on living. This is why many times they refer to her as the first apostle, because there was something to be learned from Mary, and she knew this.”

Similarly, “we know that we can’t sit still because we don’t know who’s going to learn something from us in our journey,” the deacon said. “We are compelled in our faith to go forward in the hope of Jesus Christ towards the Resurrection. We don’t get to sit still on that. It’s absolutely imperative, and I think that’s the greatness of our faith.”

The Sacraments, our communities, prayer groups, Bible studies – “All these things are guide rails that we get to hold onto when our legs are so shaken under grief,” he said. “Our faith compels us forward, just as it does in the Stations of the Cross.”

“We’re blessed with that. We’re very, very fortunate.”

He offers other suggestions for those grieving and struggling to get through the holidays:

1. Be real. “If you’re trying to get through this, there’s no easy way out. Recognize that you are grieving and that things are going to change.”
2. During this season, remember the person who died. “Make sure that you’re with people who will talk about your loved one.” Don’t ignore that person as if he or she wasn’t there. “I think that’s the worst thing that we can do. Somehow they’re still part of you, and part of the grieving process is talking about that. ‘Do you remember when …?’” should be part of your conversations. 
3. Take care of yourself – and be intentional about it. Do the things you love, look for the ways you are being consoled. Also, “give yourself boundaries, a time to politely leave a place to get home. Protect yourself.”
4. Don’t hold back the tears. “Let them come. It is OK. That’s part of it.”
5. You are not alone. “Truly understand you’re not alone in this walk. There are others on this journey with you. Talk to them and do not lose sight of hope. We recognize that joy is not necessarily the absence of pain but sometimes can be the gift of grace to come.” Other people “can give you a different perspective, and they give you an ear when you need it.”
6. Find an accountability partner, but preferably not someone in your family, to keep you on track and check on you.
7. Enjoy quiet time. “Sit in the quiet and take part in that to its fullest extent.”
8. Stay involved. “Stay sacramentally involved. Stay involved with your family. Do some of your old traditions if you’re so inclined. … In my family, for years we set a place at the table for Virginia. There was an empty chair, and we just remembered her and continue to do so today. We know it’s different, but it’s not supposed to be the same either.”
9. Search for your new identity. The death of a loved one changes who you are. It gives survivors a new search for meaning. “We’re figuring out who am I in all of this. … What’s just come to me? What am I doing? Where am I going?” Receive the support of others in this search. Write down your successes since the loss of your loved one.
10. If you have a spiritual director, stay well connected with him or her. “If not, talk to somebody who’s gone through this process.” Look to your parish to find a grief workshop or other support. Or call Deacon Tardy at Catholic Cemeteries (402-391-3711). “We’ll get you in the right direction that you need to go.”
11. Serve others. It’s a way of moving forward and preventing yourself from sliding into desolation or depression. “Stay in touch with your compassionate self.”
12. Immerse yourself in the Way of the Cross. In praying with the Stations, put yourself in the scenes. “For instance, Jesus meets the women of Jerusalem. Who am I in this picture?” Or when Jesus falls the second time, and Simon of Cyrene helps Him with His cross, ask yourself: Who is Simon for me?

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